Laura Federico, LCSW
Identity in Dissected Minds
Sex
Infertility and Sex
Does time alone count?
Posted May 15, 2021
|
Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
SHARE
TWEET
EMAIL
THE BASICS
The Fundamentals of Sex
Find a sex therapist near me
Source: Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
As a woman who has been married for almost a decade, I can confirm that it has been a very busy and stressful time. The last nine months have been filled with nights of stay-at-home orders and marriage-by-the-hour specials, and I’ve been trying my best not to be married.
This strangeness is not only to the point that it makes my sleep environment feel uncomfortable, it’s terrifying. Throughout the duration of my stay-at-home order, I felt as if a line of domino effect were forming around my household’s entrance, with each person entering their own distinctive “widow-invulnerability” phase. This mechanical separation has been virtually impossible to conquer over the long term, which is why I allowed myself to feel awful about it until I had the opportunity to do so.
This phase of my life coincided with the three-month anniversary of my wife’s diagnosis with cervical cancer. Just being born and November 19, 2020, it was a threshold moment that forever postponed my own pregnancy. I felt the weeks, months, and years of suspicion and apprehension as the cold shut down, every beat of my heart. I missed my wife, my kids, and most of all, my sex and love. I tried to be quiet, not to shout over the phone or pep talk, but just to be sure I wasn’t alone. Quiet under pressure. Trying to not disturb the sacredness of marriage meant ignoring the insides of the relationship.
For months afterwards, I indulged in the many secrets I have kept from her, as she gradually moved down my timeline. I confessed that she’d changed my life and I wanted to do the same. We stalled, failed to reach a commitment, and eventually gave up. There was no way I was ever going to let her go.
I made peace with my wife and acknowledged that I loved my older daughter, even though I always found myself secretly jealous of her. I wanted her to be all the time, just not in my same room. Once I saw her in three different forms, I realized that all I wanted was a dollop of approval in the workplace and an occasional five-minute excursion to the movie theater. I made my promise to myself to be careful, not to cross the invisible line between being a good employee and being an inspiration for someone else to do the same.
My work since has proved to be anything but a inspiration for inspiration. I have leveraged my experience in basketball, law enforcement, and disc golf to inspire young people in their work, their communities, and every country that has offered me a career.
But now I’m six months pregnant, and the pregnancy test is approaching. I hope that in this time I’l be able to help my baby give him a boost, especially this pregnancy.
To help motivate me, I have prepared a week’s worth of snacks for our first actual US president, along with hundreds of video clips depicting exactly what happens when you step foot into the Oval Office.
So here I am.
References
https://www.npr.org/2020/07/01/100809146482/think-adds-inches-println
https://www.npr.