Janina Larissa Bühler Ph.D.
Who Gives and Donates
Will You Give a Donated Gift?
No, you won't regret it.
Posted May 04, 2021
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Reviewed by Matt Huston
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Last Christmas, I made a single wish to Santa: “I want to live happily ever after.”
Even though I clearly needed help with the presents I was about to receive, my Santa figure told me not to worry.
That would be convenient, Santa.
Then a few weeks later, my Santa texted me to say that all was well again. I was surprised and deeply thankful that Santa was all the way across the country to pick up thrift stores and mailboxes where children and adults engaged in socially-destructive behaviors. Among his many perks were an annual photo contest and a trip to hang out in front of a live camera.
But just before Christmas, my Santa texted me to say that all was well again. I disconnected the kids and returned to the virtual world where all was safe and the gifts I had been waiting for arrived. In a world that had begun to seem unsafe again, I was suddenly home again.
It was the first time in a while that I had regretted living with an alcoholic father, and the second time in as many years that I had regretted living with a dad who would, short-sightedly, give his children too much power.
As the months have passed, I’ve come to really understand why giving is what has helped me get through three separate and insane times. I can honestly say that it has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I look forward to many more months of well-being in the months to come.
Here is what I wish each of us has learned:
1. To have another person to confide in is a double-edged sword. We are giving away too much power to our own mental life when we decide to share too much information with another person. That is a double-edged sword. We are also giving away too much ability for ourselves to do anything about it other than try to convince ourselves that it’s a great idea to share, without evidence, with confiding it.
2. No one knows what a narcissist is like inside and outside a relationship. While she may desire to be told all the time, she really struggles to be acknowledged and recognized for who she is. The gesture of acceptance or acknowledgement that we make when she asks for a hug or a compliment is, as the saying goes, a gift. But the recognition we pay for with a gift is as important as the gift’s true source.
3. Anxiety exists for a good reason. If you give too much information to just one person, they may not realize that you are publicizing it to others. A narcissist will then, by habituating and relying on secrecy and control, make claims about the transparency of those relationships for the possibility of retribution or manipulation. The silence about an affair may be a harmless owned expression of insecurity; it may be more harmful than the expression of emotional insecurity for the benefit of others, including our own.
4. Every time you have something coming on to your sexual frustration, wrap it up with a blanket of self-support. If you find yourself thinking about sugar when you’re hungry, resolve to give yourself a treat to hopefully, energize you for another productive encounter. A narcissist won’t appreciate it, so they’re constantly reminding themselves to keep the pressure down.
5. A narcissist doesn’t have empathy.
In order to understand another person’s emotions, emotional intelligence is necessary because narcissists generally know more than their victims. However, a narcissist may be unaware of the emotions of others. For example, they may not know how they feel about a gift or the gift itself. Therefore, the gift-giving cycle requires a lot of cognitive processing that the narcissist might not even be aware of.
6. The gift of close or intimate relationships is often used by the narcissist as a cover for some deeper feelings of inferiority. The vulnerability of the victim, as an example, may be used to feel a release of unresolved feelings that they then conceal.