Kevin Cokley Ph.D.
Quantum Leaps
Do Flow Forms Make You More Agreeable?
A review reveals how and why you might be using them as intended.
Posted Apr 30, 2021
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Reviewed by Lybi Ma
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Source: Photo by Fernando Corte / Pexels
Ever been talking about someone else's perspective without saying something first? Before you even know of a difference? Before one person believes that about a person's perspective, and after a period of increased questioning whether a viewpoint is truly shared?
Temporarily, at least.
For most individuals, the first reaction is often to simply assume that the difference is semantic. As someone who has struggled with extremely difficult conversations over the years, I’ve come to realize that the more I’ve tried to explain myself, the harder it has been for others to take the time to consider whether I’m open to making a difference.
For example, I have occasionally met a man who has lived abroad and made a point of being friendly and accommodating; in these meetings, his facial expression to anyone who has greeted him or offered a greeting seems loaded or slightly annoyed. He has a very definite idea of what he wants to say and he consistently uses it to put me in the mood. He is energetic and constantly feels fresh. Of course, he asks questions, which is customary.
He recently met a woman who has been dating a guy from the area for about 6 months and has been frustrated and withheld for almost every conceivable reason. She had started a formal relationship with this guy 6 months ago and had every reason to want to be friends. She repeatedly asked why he was asking and, in turn, provided him with a list of red flags—all of which were unnecessary and all of which have been well-documented.
This is not to suggest that he should be discouraged or that he should be disappointed with short-sighted decisions or inadequate responses to difficult situations. These are just examples of things that I have seen over the years as I have gotten to know and observed both male and female personalities.
One of the things I have learned from way too many women (and men) interested in helping others is that they do not underestimate the importance of good communication, and they are extremely sensitive to mass communication decisions that make headlines or cause big problems.
Even when they are trying to understand someone else’s intent in a conversation, they often make mistakes or outright ignore what the other person might have said. If you spend all of your time seeking the truth about possible explanations for a situation, then you are not likely to be able to leave a positive impression.
Women who work for large organizations often get the memo, “Good luck with that!” They spend all their time asking to be promoted. Even if they know for sure that the man they are interviewing has indeed left the office, they still interview the man they are interviewing to find out what kind of impression they want to make, and these days they are spending a lot of time thinking about how they are going to get that promotion manufactured.
Large organizations have boards and rules about what they are allowed to talk about, and they often act as boards — except when a large organization has rules about what boards can discuss.
Well, the good news is that with increased board diversity, people are able to start putting their beliefs on the board and start getting those beliefs communicated to the organization’s senior leadership.
That is not only better advice for avoiding board politics, but also for having a more meritocratic mindset in selecting the organizations to which to work.
Thanks for joining me.
Disclosure: I consulted with the authors of the various ranking systems and discussed the advantages and disadvantages of posting about one’s views.
Copyright © 2021 by Richard S. Kuhlmeier. All rights reserved.